What do you do now?

I'm completing an internship at Century 21 department stores for buying merchandise. I'm also working in sales at an aweeeesome shoe store, Nine West. But mostly, I'm trying to find myself. That is, I'm finding a career path/settling on a career path so I can become a full blown adult instead of this weird adult in-between person I am now. Especially in comparison to my friends, my life is totally unstable. I'm trying to become stable through any means.

So are you on survival mode?

Probably, but it's not as harrowing as I thought it would be. When survival is incorporated in your life, you don't think about it that much. I haven't lived like this before, so I'm totally winging it and hoping what they say in the movies is true -- that it'll all be okay in the end.

Speaking of movies, do you think there is a bohemian appeal to moving to New York and toughing it out?

Oh, there is definitely a bohemian feeling. Life should be about discovery. I feel like I'm living a starving artist lifestyle without being an artist. The worst part is I wonder how people are judging me and the choices I make.

What do you want to do in the long run?

Dunno... no idea still! I hope to have something stable and long-term by summertime (ideally by January). I don't know about goals or where I belong, both in careers and as a human.

What's most important to you?

Authenticity, friendship, and freedom. They're all kind of tied in together – how authentic your friendships are, and having the freedom that comes with a stable income. Financial income would always be good because you don't get priced out of doing activities with friends. (JF: I notice you didn't bring up romance!) Ha, yeah that's true, I didn't say that! Romance is incorporated in friendship for me.

Tell me a bit about your family and how you grew up.

I'm actually not too close to my family, in that they're not an immediate part of my life right now. As you grow up, they become more distant and less structurally important to the day-to-day of your life. I grew up in Albuquerque, New Mexico and lived there from when I was 3 to 18. I was born in Beijing, China. My dad moved to America first when I was a newborn (not even 1), and my mom left a year after that to join him. Because of that, my grandparents raised me. I think that's a very common experience of immigrant parents. I was very close to my grandfather as a child, but after we moved, I ended up having trouble talking to him on the phone eventually. My mom is an elementary school for special ed, and she teaches challenged/disabled children. My dad does IT – I'm not exactly sure what he does actually; I think he's possibly a Network Administrator at Community College and teaches tech-oriented stuff. In relation to my friends' parents, I think they were very common people with common careers.

Growing up, I felt like we never had money. It showed up in just the small stuff, like my parents withholding on toys and other things. As I entered high school, my parents' anxiety made me realize that we didn't have that much, and my mom's worries always transferred to me. Everything revolved around the guilt of spending her money. That's why financial freedom is important to me. I don't want to feel the guilt of being dependent on them.

I was very close to my parents up until high school, when the anxiety of my parents wanting to be an ambitious kid made me push them away. I became very distant, mostly because it was upsetting how anxious they would get. They'd utilize demeaning tactics, or at least, some form of "standard Asian parenting." I didn't want to be a part of that if I didn't have to be. I felt like I had to remove myself from it until I could find my personal success, and then I could reconnect with my family. Because I'm floating now, I'm not sure I can expose myself to the kind of doubtful thinking my parents might have.

They're definitely less harsh now that they see I've pushed myself away from them. Parents will always think of it as doing it for your good, but they don't often consider whether it will benefit your mental health. They don't know what you find fulfilling. I'm not sure it's the right type of concern, so it's good to be away from that.

Will you raise your kids in a similar way?

I don't know… before, I wanted to raise them so they could do whatever they want. But I don't think I'd be okay with them dropping out of school or anything… so I don't know.

How are your siblings?

The twins are a lot younger than me, so we have a simple relationship. They look up to me as a big sister, but we have a hard time keeping in touch. They're shy over the phone, but that's the only way to really keep in touch. Emotionally, I feel close to them. I have that big sister feeling, but they also have each other. They're twins, which I've always imagined to be a nice magical psychic support system. As they approach their angsty pre-teen phase, maybe they may need more emotional attention and I'll try to take care of them… it's like, "You're not going to cut yourself, right?!" Haha. They're nine now, almost ten.

Do you know why your parents immigrated initially? Do you have any other family in America?

I'm not completely sure, actually. They probably wanted better opportunities. I guess it's kind of shameful I never asked. The only insight I have is that when I was helping a girl in the ITA lab at school, she said that during that time period, a lot of green card sponsorships from China were happening, so it might've been because of that.

I have one cousin who works at eBay. He lives in Michigan, though maybe he's moved to California by now. I saw him last four years ago, when he was still at Michigan State getting his PhD. He's my first cousin, my dad's brother's son, but we were closer as kids. He got married and we didn't know.

It's interesting especially in comparison to my ex-boyfriend's family, when I went to family gathering with him. There were so many people. But it was also like a high school gossip circuit. You're obligated to love your family, but it's totally possible you could hate some people in it. I don't think other people understand the feeling of estrangement. I remember the ruckus of his aunt's new boyfriend and how it was the big family drama.

What's the most important experience that's shaped you in your life so far?

In general, living on my own. College reshaped the way I thought about things. I used to be very risk averse. I initially went to college to get a degree that would guarantee me a job. I was very pre-professional, and studied computer science/engineering. Halfway through college, it was a huge decision to switch over to Cognitive Science. It was a major where I wasn't sure where the degree would get me. That was taking a big risk, and after that, I just kept taking more and more risks. I never thought I'd be the type of person living in NY without an actual job, figuring things out along the way, and trying lots of different things at the expense of stability. That reshaped the way my parents taught me to live. I'm not sure if that'll be a part of who I am in the future. In 2 years, will it be worth it? Or will I change my life to always do this?

In terms of your twenties, what do you expect out of this decade?

Learning? Life? Freedom? The same things as I value, really, haha. And love, definitely love, even though I didn't emphasize that in my previous questions. I want something really fulfilling. I think romantic relationships are the most fulfilling, even if it's clouded by your own bias towards believing you have a deeper understanding of someone.

Do you think you're like other twenty somethings?

I used to think so, now I'm not so sure about that. But then again, I compare myself to a non-standard pool. All of the people I know around me are very ambitious and care a lot about stability. That's the impression I get. They won't give up as much as I will to live a stable life. I think they also have a better impression of how career tracks move, and how they can move within their jobs. I feel like they have a better idea of when to quit, and when to start. I don't have that understanding, and for me it's more about learning from experience. I have to learn each hard lesson myself. Even when I hear someone say it, I will always be curious. Most people I know in their twenties come from exceptional backgrounds. It's hard to compare when I chose a different path, even though I could've been on the same.

What do you think is the best and worst part of this decade?

The best is probably the lack of responsibility to anyone other than yourself, which gives you a lot of room to take risks. When you're twenty, you can do crazy things like not have a stable job or work multiple jobs and not worry that your decisions will impact people other than yourself. The worst for me is the emotional instability while discovering where you want to go.

What do you think is the best and worst decision you've made in life so far?

The worst for me isn't committing too much to my relationship, but rather not having the willpower to stick to things that could've gotten me farther, like school. Doing better in school would've made this transitional period easier, because it would've opened more opportunities by making other people view me as legitimate. I wonder what would've happened if I had done more of this instead of the amount of time I invested in a relationship.

I think the best decision I've made hasn't come yet! No matter what, all of my decisions have felt bittersweet. There is some suffering but also a lot of learning and happiness entangled in all of them. Giving up Comp Sci for Cog Sci was bittersweet. It made me lose a lot in "legitness" and it was a field I could still see myself interested in, but it was also relieving the stressful factor of constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough or didn't know enough to do Comp Sci. Leaving that anxiety behind was relieving. The same thing goes for committing all of my time during undergrad to my relationship. That stole a lot of stuff away from me, but I was very happy then and had a contentedness I couldn't find anywhere else. It's the missing "it" thing – I felt like I had "it."

What would you tell your twelve year old self about now?

I'd tell her, Don't take your parents' word so seriously. Try to develop yourself, even if you feel like you can't go your own way. My parents didn't like that I read a lot of fiction, but I still read. For the bigger decisions in life, I would let myself discover my interests more organically, instead of letting my parents push me into CompSci. When I went to college, they pushed me to make a decision. I let them do that to me throughout all of high school. I let them bully me out of classes I was really interested in. I let them put doubt in me that my decisions would take me somewhere. Then again, that did affect where I went to school, so that's maybe not the exact advice I would give. But mostly, be your own person!

What do you think your thirty two year old self would tell you, then?

I have no idea! I hope she'll be telling me, "Good job, you took all those risks for a good reason. That's how you ended up here today." If I hadn't taken those risks, if one of those short term things I did turned into my future, of course I'd be telling myself, "Thank god I did this one thing and didn't go along with the crowd, and instead really created something with it!" Also, hopefully not, "Oh, you really fucked up, here's how you need to turn around…"

Describe your financial state on a high level. How comfortable are you?

I'm not super comfortable at all, and I'm not saving very much or at all. It's very anxiety inducing, but I make enough to live the way I want at the minimum. I worry it'll somehow change and it won't be enough, like when Hurricane Sandy hit and I wasn't able to put in enough hours at Nine West. I don't get paid a salary, so if I lost a week's worth of pay, I'm not sure how to make it up if I don't save. I'm not really prepared for that. It's a lot of anxiety, but it's incorporated now in how I live. I'm used to it now, so I'm not thinking about it every single second. It's ahrd when you're trying to pursue other interests or options, because it's always a background concern.

Describe your personal finance philosophy. Money is for ___.

Money is for necessities. The basic necessities like food and housing. Obviously, since I sleep on your couch every other day, I've stopped caring about space or being a princess on a nice bed. I usd to care about privacy, but now I don't know if I'm willing to pay for it. In general, making enough to indulge when you want to, enough so that you can get it without thinking whether you can really afford it or not. Being able to pay for mutual experiences with people you care about is most important to me. That's why I'll still go out to a $40 all you can eat sushi dinner once in a while. It's an experience, and I think experiences shouldn't be cut back on if possible. Hopefully this is a very short term financial philosophy!

Describe your outlook on spending versus saving. What's worth spending or saving for?

If I really felt like I couldn't pay for a necessity, I'd give up an experience, but normally I wouldn't give it up. I don't think I make enough to be saving much anyway. In my mind, it's a marginal difference.

Are you saving for anything?

Most people save for retirement, investing in their children's education, etc. It's either for future progeny or a lifestyle. I'd like to save for this one day, but it's not attainable now. I don't know if I'm getting behind if I'm not saving for my future kid's education for these two years, but whatever. But I do want to be able to raise my children to feel like they have the freedom to do what they want and learn their own responsibilities. I don't want my financial circumstances to hinder them the way I felt like my parent's financial commitments hindered me.

How did you spend your last $100?

Probably a metro card… ha! Maybe that sushi dinner? Most of it all went to food. And paying for a ramen dinner my dumb date wouldn't pay for.

Do you think jobs are a livelihood, or a means to survival?

Definitely livelihood. I can see myself withdrawing when I'm bored or feeling less passionate. If everyone cared about their jobs, I think the world would be more productive. Of course, there's always going to be shit jobs where you do stuff you don't want to do. But it's about the intention. I definitely don't think I would be able to survive a 9-5 job that I don't care about at all; if it was something I dragged my body to every day and I'm so relieved to leave, only to repeat it again the next day. I couldn't do that at all. ■